Screw Guilt

It has been incredibly freeing to wake up in the morning and not have the anxiety of wondering how I am going to do, or not do, on my diet.  For years and years, I would wake up with a half-hearted prayer that I would eat sensibly, exercise, and stop snacking.  I generally went to bed at night berating myself for failing to do any of those things.  Once in a great while I was actually able to succeed with such goals but those days were rare.  While I may not have overeaten, I didn't often eat healthfully.

Today I had two meals at restaurants.  The first was at a burger place (Kriner's) and I ordered a cheeseburger with onion rings.  I ate exactly half of the burger because it is large and generally half is just about the right amount for me.  I left a few onion rings on the plate.  I was with my fifteen year old daughter who ordered the same burger with fries, and ate almost all of it.  She then went home and went to bed for a few hours.  By 6:00 I was just beginning to get hungry again and it was my oldest daughter's birthday.  She wanted a halibut sandwich from Captain Chuck's, which also happens to have the best onion rings in Anchorage.  So, I ate exactly one half of that sandwich, a few of the fries that came with it, and of course, those awesome onion rings.  I wasn't expecting to go out to dinner, as I was scheduled to lector at Holy Thursday mass, but I called the other lector and asked if she could do my part as it wasn't really necessary to have two lectors.

We came home and had a banana cream pie from Peggy's--a request for the birthday girl.  I ate a small piece and didn't eat the parts I don't like, the crust and most of the whipped cream.  I am full, satisfied, and not feeling a lick of guilt.  I am still drinking only water as part of my Lenten sacrifices and my original plan was to break my fast on Holy Thursday, but as I missed mass, I decided to wait until Easter Vigil.  I have even given up drinking Communion wine, and it is the thing with which I will break my fast.  This is important to me, and two more days of water will not be much of a sacrifice as tomorrow is Good Friday and we will be fasting (not eating between meals) anyway.  Saturday night is the Vigil, and I am looking forward to it.

I haven't been on the scale all week.  I generally weigh myself on Wednesday as I am part of an on-line weight loss group, but the scale is gathering dust, and I am thrilled about that. 

At this point I don't care if I lose any weight or not.  I just feel a little more sane because I am not beating myself up about every little bite of the "wrong food" that goes into my mouth.   All food is sacred, all is a gift of our Creator.  My abuse of it is nothing more than sin, and sin is "missing the mark."  I have been wondering--and this will sound silly--if Jesus ever had "food issues."  The very thought seems absurd, and the fact that it does is very telling.  I will share more of my musings on this at another time.  For now, it feels so wonderful just to feel peace abuot eating.  It's been a long time since that was so.